Despite Popular Belief
by miikka-xx
Summary: Katsura moves in with Gintoki for a day and so starts an epic romance between student and his teacher. Well, that's what Gintoki likes to believe anyway. ginzura. 3Z-verse crack!fic. complete.


**miikka-xx:** i think this is my first 'official' crack!fic. then again, whatever you write in the gintama fandom is crack. so i won't get excited.

**title:** despite popular belief, salarymen do not commit suicide using their work ties**  
rating:** T**  
summary:** Katsura moving in with Gintoki for a day marks the beginning of a forbidden and passionate romance between student and teacher. Well, that's what Gintoki likes to believe anyway. ginzura. 3Z-verse AU crack!fic. complete.**  
warning(s):** CRACKITY CRACK CRACK. SHTOOPIDNESS. and the word sex. if you can handle it. oh yeah, and a mindblowingly huge plot hole.

* * *

_despite popular belief, salarymen do not commit suicide using their work ties_

* * *

The day is over, everyone is busy shuffling out the door, their reports are sitting on a neat pile on his desk and it is now one minute past his usual time where he lights up a cigarette and breathes in the heavenly smoke. There is something terribly wrong here.

Maybe he'll scratch it up to Katsura standing there, in front of his desk, asking him, "Sensei, can I stay at your place for tonight?"

Gintoki thinks this might be some evil ploy to get hm fired by the school administration, even if he's sure that Otose the principal loves him. But still, there's always that conniving Catherine the gym teacher that would love to string him up from the rooftops. Nothing is better than a scandal between a student and a teacher. Gintoki sort of finds it kinky.

All these thoughts, however, do not change the fact that Katsura is in fact asking to go to his apartment and sleep over. If the boy wasn't so damn _dull_, Gintoki might even believe the dumbass ploy of attempting a mock scandal. Now then, how to deal with the situation?

"...why?"

This makes Katsura blink and cock his head.

"I don't have a place to stay tonight."

His tone is flat, like it's common knowledge and_ really_, Ginpachi-sensei, you should obviously know this.

Gintoki wonders if this is in his student record somewhere. Man, with the class he has, he should probably check those out.

"Well, no duh," replies Gin, "but, why _me_?"

Katsura shrugs, "I'll ask Otose-sensei then."

For some reason, being blown off by this kid really pisses Gintoki off.

"Shut up. Fine, let's go."

* * *

Katsura has this stupid expression on his face, like he wants to be stoic and unemotional but is actually screaming in joy like a little girl who just got a pony. Yeah, he could see Zura with a pony. A white pony, with a flowing mane and ribbons tied to his tail or something.

Gintoki stalls his thought processes there and stares at his apartment door. Sadaharu is in there. Sadaharu is big. Very big. He could easily tackle down Katsura and tear a limb off. This alarms Gintoki quite a bit.

"Um. I have a dog. He's quite large," warns Gintoki apathetically. This should do, he reassures himself, Katsura now knows what to expect.

The student shrugs in reply, "I have a duck."

This does not surprise him in the least.

* * *

Sadaharu leaps on Katsura and bites his head.

Katsura positively moons over him and his 'cuteness' after Gintoki wrenches the dog's teeth off his student.

The afternoon slips away quietly as Gintoki marks reports and Katsura avoids Sadaharu's snapping jaws like it's only a harmless game of tag. The noise is easy to ignore, and Gintoki hums a Naruto theme song for himself as he stamps happy, red Cs over everyone's reports. Except Sougo's, Kondo's and Otae's. He doesn't want to risk dying.

Gintoki thinks C is a bit too much for some people, like Kagura (who's report is two lines: _My papi told me not to do what useless old men tell me too. But I like you, Gin-chan, so here's a picture of me and papi together._ There's alot of blood and mutilated corpses. Yeah, he should really be looking at those student records.)

His stomach growls, and he ditches the reports to wander uselessly in the kitchen. He has a guest to feed; he might as well go through the motions of trying to cook.

But its too late.

There's some housewife standing in his kitchen, wearing _his_ apron and frying something over _his_ stove. Gintoki doesn't know who let the stranger in, but he certainly appreciates it. He turns around to call for Zura.

"Oi, Zura, dinnertime!"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura," says the housewife.

Gintoki stops, stares and leaves.

* * *

Katsura's wearing an old t-shirt and sweats of his, and the apron with 'Feed me Ice Cream or Until I Scream' which is making all sorts of X-rated thoughts pop up into Gintoki's head. So the teacher brings his reports to the dining table where dinner is layed out to distract him.

They eat quietly, with muffled munches and the scratch of red pen. They don't even try to make conversation with each other, which makes Gintoki sigh in relief, because he doesn't know what the hell might come out of his mouth, seeing Zura in that apron.

Finally, Katsura takes the dishes to the sink, along with the pan from frying and proceeds to soak them in water as he tries to find the dish soap.

"It's in the cupboard underneath."

Gintoki watches him bend over and reach in to retrieve it. No, Zura's ass was not good for his hormones. Oh sure, it looked round and maybe a bit tight and there was just enough to grab and -

Gintoki collapses in a fit of coughs over the dining table and Katsura ignores him.

* * *

Once the dishes are done being cleaned and dried, Katsura curls up on his couch and watches the new NH drama, Summer Singing or something. Gintoki, with absolutely nothing to do, sits beside him and watches as the heroine runs away with her step-uncle.

"That is so twisted," remarks Gin idly. Katsura glances at him.

"It's alright though, a few divorce papers and it all works out."

Gintoki stares at Zura, then nods, "like a boss and his secretary, right?"

Katsura shrugs with this mischievous glint in his eyes and gets up.

"I'm taking a shower."

Gintoki thinks this is a wonderful idea, and is bombarded with more X-rated thoughts and no bathroom to get rid of them.

* * *

He comes out, appearing like a ghost from the steam, with hair hanging over his shoulders, dripping over Gintoki's old t-shirt, sticking to his torso.

Gintoki promptly stuffs a blanket over his crotch.

"It's free now. Go ahead," offers Katsura with a slight smile, as he curls back into the couch to watch Okina's Embarassment or something. Gintoki never keeps track of these stupid dramas anyways.

"I take showers in the morning," explains Gintoki, and them proceeds to mentally smash his head against a wall. Way to miss an opportunity to get rid of a problem there, Gin! Good freaking job!

Katsura, instead, nods gravely.

"I understand."

Gintoki suddenly feels quite misunderstood. ..._What. What do you understand!_

* * *

Finally, the clock blissfully strikes 10pm - bedtime for students. Gintoki gets up and pulls a futon from the closet, with a pillow and an extra blanket.

"Where do you wanna sleep?"

Katsura uncurls from the couch and pads silently towards the teacher. He takes the futon and pillow to place them on the couch. Then he walks back and wraps the blanket over his shoulders.

"The couch?" asks Gintoki. Zura nods, then purses his lips.

"Well, no. I mean, depends."

"Depends on what?" deadpans the teacher, way too emotionally strained to be dealing with riddles from attractive young boys.

"On your answer to my question."

Gintoki rubs the back of his neck and stares at his student, before sighing and giving in.

"Alright, shoot."

Katsura has the most flat, expectant face, "when are you going to kiss me?"

Gintoki groans before tangling his fingers in that goddamn too-long hair.

"Now."

* * *

He has to admit, the sex was great. Is great. Will be great. Because he's not gonna go down with only one round in the night. No, Gintoki is going to show his student why _he's_ the teacher and Zura is his impressionable disciple. There's something really kinky about thinking of an affair between him and a student. Then there's something really damn _hot_ about actually jumpng into bed with one. Not that they actually _jumped_ into bed, it was more like he tripped over the threshold of his bedroom and brough Zura down ontop of him -

His thoughts are cut off when Katsura slithers up his body and slips his tongue in his teacher's mouth, tasting of sweetened soy sauce, and Gintoki realizes there are better things to be worrying about, like the tent he's making under the sheets.

So, in the end, Zura sleeps in his bed, with that extra blanket, curled against his teacher after 3 rounds of mind-blowing, hot sex.

Gintoki lights up a smoke in the early dawn and thinks, _I need to buy pirate cosplay_.

* * *

When they get ready in the morning, Katsura looks absolutely unaffected by the lack of sleep they had gotten last night. He buttons up all the buttons on his school uniform jacket, combs his damn long hair, washes his face and brushes his teeth. He puts dog food in Sadaharu's bowl, and fills another one with water. He eats cereal with milk in the kitchen.

Gintoki mostly spends his morning staring at how comfortable this kid looks in his apartment.

Finally, he showers and shrugs into some trousers, a button up shirt and a sort-of done up tie. This makes Zura shoot him a glare as he pads over and undoes the whole thing.

"H-hey... That's my tie, I need that to look professional," protests Gintoki weakly. Katsura sighs.

"Then do it up properly," he scolds lightly. The teen's nimble fingers do up the buttons of his shirt and straghtens out the collar, before folding the tie in 14 seconds flat. He tightens it under Gin's collar, so everytime the teacher inhales, it brushes against his Adam's apple.

"So...?" asks Gintoki flatly, not really expecting anything.

"Now you look..." Katsura furrows his brow, then suddenly lights up, "now you look sort of... _hot_."

Gintoki does not touch his tie for the rest of the day.

* * *

**an:** this was my ginpachi-sensei crack!fic that spewed from re-reading 33 chapters of Gintama as I listen to the soundtrack. Yeah, that's healthy.

Drop a line! I love to hear your thoughts! even if it's, "wow, you're on drugs!" :)


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